rethinking

I believe it's time to rethink my course of action regarding school and maybe even my life.

I'm struggling so much with school (no surprise if you've been reading my blog) that I'm beginning to wonder if it's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm confused mostly. I believed by the way it all worked out that going back was the "right thing" for me to do. I mean, everything worked out -- money, time, scheduling, etc. How could I not take that as a "sign?" So, I went forward with it and it all started out OK. I mean, I did horribly at first with a couple quizzes, but bounced back, or seemed to. I took a bit of hope with me from then on until it seemed I was steadily doing badly -- in my opinion.

Now, at the end of the semester, I'm still not doing really well. Does this mean the entire semester is wasted? A lesson (if so, what?). A realization that I really am a complete idiot? Whatever the reason, it feels like a waste of money and time.

Questions that have come up:

What does this serve?
Is there a purpose? if so, what?
Did I miss the entire point of what I was really supposed to be doing/learning?
Did I totally misread the "signs" I thought were leading me into the direction of going back to school in the first place?
Do I keep going in spite of how I appear to be doing?

I just don't know....I hope I find out soon. I am certainly going to finish this semester, but I'm honestly not sure about continuing. It just seems, as I stated before, a waste. It would just help to know once and for all.

How do I move on? :::sigh:::

garsh

I'd like to say things are going better, but they really aren't. I'm still a LOT confused about the purpose of going back to school. I mean, I'm doing horrifically -- imo. Everyone says I'm being WAY too hard on myself. Maybe so, but it's SOOOO hard not doing as well as, well...as I think I should be doing...period.

I'm almost at the point where I don't care about trying. That's NOT where I really want to be. The semester is just about over and I have, at the most, two more weeks. I need to hold on and press on! I can do it, but it will be by the skin of my teeth. I just don't know....aargh! The war inside me is raging and I'm not sure how to find balance. I keep praying for clarity --- oh, I'm so frustrated.

On a lighter note -- the walkway is shoveled and I don't have to worry about pushing any more snow. Talk about a first snow! What a doozey! Anyway -- we had a snow day yesterday (Mon) from school and that was nice.

The house is all decorated for Christmas and that cheers me up tremendously. I have dear Kara's wedding to look forward to, even if I haven't the vaguest idea what to get her and Ben -- eek! I know she'll be pleased with anything -- that's the way she is. Classy dame, that! :) I miss seeing her more often. I think I took teaching her for granted. She's a joy!

I think I'll get on LL Bean's website now and order my brother his present. It's not much, but it's on his "list" which makes me know he'll like this. Why can't everyone be 'easy to shop for'???

Off to finish (or at least start) homework...

discouraged

I'm asking myself whether or not I did the right thing going back to school. I am completely discouraged and don't see how this is a 'good' thing in my life. If I'm going to consistently do such a horrible job, then what is the purpose? I don't understand.

The thing that clinched it for me today was me taking the music theory fundamentals exam...again. I did worst this time compared to the last and I was starting to get hopeful when BAM! here I am completely sucking at it...again! I feel defeated. Am I EVER going to get this? Why even bother?! I feel hopeless. What is this serving? To make me feel like a complete idiot? It succeeded.

after the weekend

I'm not sure why, but I was NOT in the mood to go back to school. Granted, there are only four weeks left of the semester, but it's been a long haul. During the holiday (Thanksgiving was great -- had the fam. here and cooked up a storm!), I did some thinking and I may have come to a decision. I'm seriously thinking about changing my major to German Studies.

I LOVE music -- it's my life, but I am not liking all the technical stuff that I'm learning. It's almost making it (for me) a chore and I hate thinking that. I'm sure it gets better as time goes on, but I also realized that I've done a LOT musically and want to try new things. I can "get" languages and have always longed to travel (maybe that's God telling me something????).

I've been praying hard this weekend and asked for something that would bring me the help I needed. This a.m .Kate Thomas brought up the subject, actually. She's been thinking of changing HER major from music too!! The more we talked, the more things seemed to become clear.

I don't know for sure, but I have a German test tomorrow to see if it's something I can do. After all, I've been taught so much of it already. Maybe this is it!!! Who knows -- I'll know better tomorrow, though --- yay!!

concerts galore

Talk about a myriad of concerts. I've worked more concerts and plays this month that I care to. On top of school work and teaching. Makes me long for my 20 yr old body and stamina. Alas, I do not have that and will give a wise word to all under 25 -- TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY!!! it catches up with you in spades....well, in every suit! :)

I'm hosting Thanksgiving at my house and I'm excited. Of course, I'm doing the majority of the cooking/baking, but that's OK. I guess I'm just excited to say that it's at MY house this year. Nice feeling. God is so good to me.

I've been trying to refinance to get some money to fix a wall in my tenant's apt. but they say the market is tough. My realtor told me that they would have never been able to do what they did for me last year today! Talk about God working a miracle!!! This house is His and I'm grateful He's given it to me. Every time I start fretting about the bills, etc. (oil is gonna kill me!!!) I keep telling Him; "It's YOUR house, God, it's Your house!" and I'm fine.

Right now, I want to get through these next two classes and get rid of this headache. Tonight is the last concert for me and I'm pooped. At least I'm registered for most all my classes next semester. Hopefully, I can get into a German class!! That would be wunnaful.

hmmm...I think this reads like I feel -- disjointed. I think I hear my bed calling me....wah!!!

quizzes and tests oh my!

I'm tired. I didn't know college was made up of tests and quiz upon quiz. There isn't week that goes by without at least one quiz and I have to day, I've had enough. Of course, the profs aren't really concerned about how I feel. Oh well...at least I can air things out here on my blog. I feel a lot better just letting things out, even if it's in a black nothingness.


Next week is Thanksgiving and it'll give me time to sit back and relax, even if I have to cook. It's a different kind of busy and will be a most welcome one. The fam is coming here for the day and it'll be the first Thanksgiving I'll host in my new home! Oh, I love that idea! It makes me happy.


First, I have to get through a long week of working concerts and ... you guessed it ...one more quiz! :)

still trying

to get the idea through my thick head that I've been out of school for 22 years and it's gonna take TIME to get back into the swing of things --sooooo--STOP BEING HARD ON YOURSELF!!! GOSH!

I mean, REALLY! Logically, I can make that leap w/out so much as a twitch of the eye -- but, mentally or emotionally, I miss it by a mile.

My test grade on my second music history class was horribly. I barely passed, which is NOT encouraging. Am I studying too much material? Am I not studying enough? I tried sitting down with the teacher a couple times and I just don't get it. Which leads me to believe that it must be that I still just need to relax and learn how to study better (ie: taking notes more efficiently -- I think I fall into the "taking too much information" category).

So what if I have to take one or two classes again. I should look at it this way: If I do, then I'll certainly pass them the second time AND have learned to study more efficiently...finally.

suggestions?

of course, it would help if I could get rid of the need to be perfect. grrrrrrrr

stuff

Had a good birthday and had a lot of good wishes from friends -- very nice. Of course, what's a day without SOME happenings -- still, it was good and memorable.

Went today to get my SAM'S club membership so now I can get discounted gas there AND BJ's. I'll have to, seeing that the price of gas is, once again, climbing. It's horrible the way it fluctuates like that. Just when I got ahopeful that it would start going down or at least staying put for a while, it bounces back up. Crazy.

I got a bit discouraged today after taking my music theory fundamentals test again. We're supposed to take it until we at at least a 90% so, at least I can keep trying until that happens. Still...I was hoping for a LOT better, not just a little better. Oh well...

Oh, and it looks like I'll have to take sight singing/ear training over again. Not so bad, though. The teacher isn't be best and that, in my opinion, makes a big difference. It affects all those in the class. Only a handful, which isn't much, get it and the rest of us struggle. The teacher rushes too much. I stopped him, in class, and told him my concerns and I THINK he might have listened. I'll find out tomorrow. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only me, but it's most of the class. Should I be comforted by that? :)

On to tackling music history....quiz tomorrow a.m.

ahhh

....the ins and outs of daily living -- trying to keep a balance to a full schedule, trying to get to know a boy all the while working HARD not to over analyze.

My life-long question to self: Will I ever get to the point where I do not jump to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me?

That statement produces one of the biggest sighs I have ever...er...sighed. ;) I keep praying that God would take that away from me -- the negative self outlook. Even my counselor [sp?] (when I saw one) told me that I had a 'warped sense of self.' I understand logically that it's not true. I mean, why else would I have others around me who love me and say how much I "inspire" them (definitely quoting there)? If I was so unlovable--why do they stick around?

It's those questions that tell my brain I'm full of bunk, but somewhere else deep inside me only sees that something must be lacking. What? Don't know -- some key element that draws someone close enough to stick it out with me -- meaning of the male species.

Of course, that leads me to ask: Why is that so important? Having a man in your life?

It isn't, but it is.

And there I go again... :) Maybe some day, by God's grace, I'll be freed of that chain. It only holds me back and maybe even the man that wants to come closer????

I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my b-day is tomorrow and I'll officially be IN my 40's. Forty-one isn't old, but it sure seems like it sometimes. :-/

here I sit...

at my work study job (college) and bored out of my skull. Yes, I brought homework and am starting to see my own eyes cross. I'm supposed to be here just in case (1) people call about the canceled concert tonight and (2) send people home if they come. :::sigh:::

Right now, there's a piano teacher here practicing in the hall. I'm glad she's moved on from the first piece she started playing (even though it was a nice one) because it started getting old after she played the same section over and over and over and over again! I know -- that's what practicing IS. But, still. :-/

Now would be a good time to chat w/Luke and he's not online tonight. Figures :)

Well, on to more music theory drills -- after I uncross my eyes, of course.

aargh

so, here I am starting to enjoy a fairly early evening from doing homework and someone calls while I'm on the phone with mother. I don't answer, because I haven't had a chance to really talk with her for ages. Sue me, right? Apparently, I was supposed to hang up with mother and talk with this person because, come to find out, their sitting outside in their car.

Yes, I wondered the same thing. Why do you just sit in your car calling when (1) you see that my car is in the driveway and (2) having seen said car, you don't get out to come knock on the door.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am glad they took the time to come over to see me, but am aggravated at the same time because there's an assumption there...imo. Why not come in? Why not try? Why not take the effort, since you're already here, to come to the door that's only a few feet from the end of the walkway where you park?

Nope--just don't understand. They say they're not mad, but I believe they are and they don't see it. Why bring it up and talk about it and sound like you're irritated if you're not "mad?" I don't know.

I tried to center myself and they gave up saying, "we'll try again tomorrow, goodnight." AARGH! Now, I'M irritated.

I'll not waste my energy and move on, especially now that I've vented. :)

later fans....

Long Weekend

I can't remember a hard weekend if I tried to think of it now. But, then, right now I'm foggy from a 5-day migraine that only "let up" on Friday afternoon, early evening so I could work. It was a rainy (which probably didn't help) weekend that turned into a tremendously beautiful weekend. Crazy that!

Anyway -- I had to go to the hospital and get an IV. It was horrible. The guy admitting me thought I was the regular druggy trying to come in to get a fix....until, that it, I immediately informed him that 1) I could tell he didn't care and 2) he'd never had a bad headache in his entire life. Not good. I did notice a chance in attitude by the time he put my hospital bracelet on, though...good thing or my French mother would have had a go at him.

I missed work study and had to scramble around trying to get numbers for the supervisor. Not my job, actually. I mean, they should already have a back-up plan for when things like this happen. It all worked out and that's a total relief, but I can't help feel that I let them down. I know. I couldn't control the migraine, but man! I still feel bad about that.

No, off to study for the test tomorrow that I hadn't the wits or brain function to finish let alone start on this weekend....aaack!

again

Had a melt down this afternoon after I found out what I got on my music theory fundamentals test. Good thing is, I get to take it over again until I get the required 90% to pass, bad thing is, I obviously didn't get 90%. I talked with the teacher later and he told me that I was actually in a "normal" place with was actually good and if I hadn't waited to go back to answer a few, I would have gotten more correct. So, I suppose I didn't actually do all that badly, but still.....it didn't prevent me from beating myself up for a while.

Guess my job is to keep plugging away at the theory drills online and hope that I finally GET it!

I really was close to throwing in the towel, but that would be quitting (no duh! ;)) and I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. I would always live with the regret of quitting and not sticking it out. Also, with the fact that I at least TRIED.

I'm trying...

..

Last night was horrible. I thought I was going to lose it. I'm not sure why -- maybe I'm just making it harder on myself...again. I keep hearing those voices -- those negative voices (not REAL voices, of course) -- telling me that I'm an idiot. I'm stupid. I can't seem to shake them off for good.

People tell me it's not true -- well, my family and close friends. But, I'm not sure. Each time I try hard at studying, I'm still so far behind the rest it isn't even funny. Why did I think it was going to be easier at 40 yrs. old vs. 18 yrs. old? Why did I think I wouldn't struggle as hard as I did back then? Am I really stupid and just don't know it? Should I quit while I'm ahead? I just don't know!

But -- I admit -- today DID seem a little better. Not much, but a little better. I thought, for one moment, that I understood some of what was being said this morning in class. Who knows?! I just wish I didn't feel this way.

Also, I feel alienated. No one seems to want to tell me anything. It's probably just because the way I've been feeling and will try not to pay attention to it. Oh, I don't know!

aargh! What's wrong with me?!

UGH

I'm beyond frustrated with myself...again! It seems a familiar thing now. I've been working on intervals (space between notes on a music scale) and I cannot seem to be able to identify them quickly. I'm up to 83%, but that's after I take a long time to determine the key it's in first!

Take today, for instance. I sat down, after finishing my blasted math homework, somewhere between 2pm and 3pm and am STILL sitting here at 7:30pm working diligently on them...trying not to give up.

I hope that some day, I'll look back on all this time spent on these stupid things and laugh, wondering why it took me so bloody long to figure them out in the first place. Talk about feeling a complete idiot.

I broke down and wrote my prof tonight and he wants to meet with me tomorrow. At this point, I'm not sure how he can help me. I feel horrible bugging him with this, but he wanted to know and I took him at his word. Right now, I don't even care if he thinks I'm stupid....that's how frustrated I am.

Question to self: AM I EVER GOING TO GET THIS STUFF??!!!

determined

I've been allowing myself to be buried under a standard that I've put on myself. I'm not sure what I expected, but I didn't expect school to be this difficult. I mean, the material isn't brain surgery, but it's allowing it to sink into my head and stay there. That, I notice, is the hard part.

I felt, at one point, that I was getting it, but then a quiz comes along and they write it differently than all the others which leaves me feeling like an idiot again. I'm not really sure how I'm going to beat this except I'm determined to try.

I talked with my mom last night and she seems to think my feelings of stupidity stem back from when I was a child and when I did homework, she'd intimated that I was stupid -- why didn't/couldn't I get it, etc. I don't honestly remember that. My sister says she was sitting at the table when it was said, but I don't recall the event in my own memory.

Thinking about what she said, I see it must be true. For some reason, I have this block and I can't seem to shake it. I keep telling myself that I'm an "idiot" and "stupid" and that I "can't do it." It's a horrible thing and if someone else was saying those things, I'd jump right in to correct them.

So, why can't I do it to myself?
How am I going to overcome that vicious cycle?
Will I overcome it?

I certainly hope so.

tests

I'm not sure why, but there seem to be a lot of tests/quizzes of late. I mean, how many do you really need? I have one every Tuesday a.m. in one and two per week in Math. Now, Theory class is joining the band wagon. Sure -- the more they give the better chance I have at a higher grade (that is IF I do well on each one), but man alive -- that's a lot.

Anyway -- totally failed the one this morning in theory class. Here's hoping the one I just submitted tonight is better than the hand written on this morning. UGH!

I get to a point where I'm brain fried. I can't absorb any more information which makes me feel like I don't do as well as I could be doing. I'm not even sure what I'm saying. All I know is that I'm still feeling overwhelmed. It's an uphill climb and I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it.

If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to keep your fingers crossed. :::sigh:::

a little light

So, I think I see a little light at the end of the tunnel. After a long three weeks of school, I can see a pattern of information, at least in regards to the music part of it all. The math will always be that -- math. There's no way to make it pleasant...ever! So, with that in mind, the music studies ARE coming along and I'm glad they are turning out the way they are. It's still not easy and I still feel SO out of my depth, but it doesn't look as pitiful as I once thought...thankfully.

Now, to get to a place of balance and understand that I will have to remain focused and in that balance because once out again, it will feel this way and that's not something I want to do.

a little better

Things aren't as overwhelmingly overwheming at the moment, thank the Lord. Yesterday, I did a lot better on my Music History quiz and, as the day progressed, I felt like more things were starting to tie together. I am noticing that there are many things that are "cross-referenced" between classes and that's comforting.

I'm learning one thing, then having it comfirmed in the next class, in a different but similar way...if that makes sense. I'm grateful for that. At least that is telling me that I'm not going totally bonkers...that I'm actually grasping things. That's comforting.

Now, to get this horrible tooth ache addressed as soon as possible. All of a sudden, my tooth decides that it will become infected and cause me unbearable pain. I have not dentist because I haven't been able to afford to go to a dentist. But, they gave me a name last night at the ER and hopefully, I can get it fixed, even if they have to (aack!) pull it out. I'm sure it's totally rotted.

Ain't life grand? ;P

going insane

I'm going insane one minute at a time. I try to center down and relax, but it feels impossible at this point. I know I shouldn't be letting this affect me like it is, but I do not know how...NOT to. It's extremely frustrating and I wonder what is going to happen. I will keep trying, but if it doesn't ease up some...well, I just don't know.

...

I feel a complete, utter failure. I cannot seem to get anything in my classes, especially math. I'm working hard at it and cannot seem to grasp it. I'm at my wits end. I seriously have to re-think this insansity.

tough week-ending

OK, I realize it's only two weeks into the semester, but I am wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Again, it feels like it's way beyond me -- or anything that I'll "get" and get used to. Maybe it's still me being hard on myself, which is probably the case.

I'm tired and just want to have my head on my pillow. I don't want to do homework this weekend and I don't want to have to go up to school to work in the computer lab so that I can complete my rap-song-assignment. Yes, I'm overwhelmed.

There's another quiz coming up this Tuesday in Music History that I have NO idea whether I'll get more than one correct AND then there's a math test immediately after Music History! UGH! Talk about spacing them out...not! ;)

Guess I need to remember that song "Dive" by S.Curtis Chapman where it says, "I'm divin' in, I'm doing deep..." And, though he is talking about his relationship with God, I'm feeling it applies to life...school being that for me at this time.

Will I really quit? Probably not, but man alive -- I'm feeling the weight of it fo sho!

Friday...

the end of the second week of school and I'm still breathing!

I got the chance to sit down (albiet quickly) with one of the profs yesterday between classes and got a little better grasp on the timing stuff. I still think I should know more of it but, apparently, I am the only one who thinks that. Oh well. I will press on and keep trying. That's all anybody can do, right? :/

It's a half day today, so that is good. I'll be seeing my sister, which is even better. I have gone grocery shopping for about two weeks and the cupboards are screaming to be filled. I also think I need some sort of aspirin sleep-aid. Not sleeping well at all but then, it might be from the stress, eh? ha!

Off to the showers and then to class...

later, fans!

keeping my fingers crossed that my laptop comes today -- I could REALLY use it for my comoposition due Monday.

oh my land!

Can I say how much I hate math?! I got so frustrated today, I almost threw the book out the window. Much that would help, right? Oh, it's just so frustrating! I'm at my wits end.

I get caught up in the frustration and know I shouldn't. It takes up so much of my time. It's like I have to do math every single day to stay on top of it. Yes, it takes me that long! Unbelievable!

Anyway -- at least it's better than totally failing my first Music History quiz. It was nothing like I'd ever taken before and it threw me for a loop. I keep telling myself to focus on the fact that I NOW know how he gives quizzes and that the next one won't be so bad...hopefully. :)

Oh, this going to school is totally frightening! I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. Though, those around me feel like the 'know' it is. I guess I would like a more tangible proof that I am, you know? Something more concrete for me to see, not just others.

Right now, I should be starting on my rap song that's due Monday. I've got the words, but I'm sure I'm on the wrong track. I've got to do it, so no matter how it comes out, it'll have to come out. Hmm...that doesn't sound right.

Oh, I'm so flustered. I need to center myself but it's incredibly hard at the moment.

I'm trying to connect with my voice teacher at school because he cancelled this afternoon's lessons. I've paid for 12 in advance and missing one when it's scheduled is hard to make up since the rest of my week is pretty much nailed down...ugh! I realize it's not his fault, but it does make things harder.

::sigh:: off to write a rap song...

headache

Today feels like it will be a long one. I've got another migraine and I'm not looking forward to going anywhere today.

Theory class intimidates me to no end. I'm not sure if I can do this. I keep reminding myself that I'm not responsible to know what I was never taught, but it doesn't help when I'm sitting in class and all these young whippersnappers know all the lingo.

I've been dealing with strong emotions toward my own music teacher way back when I was in school. Why didn't she teach us these things? How do I know how to play instruments and NOT know these things which should be elementary? Circle of 5ths? What the heck is that? I never heard of it until last year when I was volunteering at the high school! It's embarrassing to say the least! Why should it be? Because, after all the years my life has been consumed by music, I know absolutely nothing and it's painful.

I will just have to talk with my professor outside of class to see if there's anything else that will help me learn what I need to to be up to speed with the rest of the class. AARGH!

tired

I'm sitting here this Sunday morning trying to get some rest -- trying to breathe and take one moment at a time. It is not as easy as it sounds. There is still a lot I need to do before tomorrow, but I am forcing myself to ONLY do what is needed for class.

This is where I'm going to have to find a balance and find it quick. In the future, I do not want ANYthing to disturb a day of rest. We all need one day where we put aside the daily and learn from the Divine. It is not our habit to do so, but it is necessary to have our souls fed as well as our brain and body.

I will have to work concerts on some Sundays, but it is not a habit, it is something that is temporary and won't be happening every day, thankfully. :)

The family (or most of it) is coming for a potluck lunch this afternoon and it will be nice to see them. I haven't had a chance to really talk with my parents for a week. That might not seem a long time to most, but it is for us. We at least try to get together once a week to catch up and when one of us misses it, it is not the same.

Right now, I'm listening to Charles Stanley and it's about forgiving others so that we won't give into bitterness and resentment. It is not an easy thing to do, but it is liberating and I pray that I have done so with those who've hurt me -- accused me unjustly -- recently. It is not worth my time and energy to hold on to something that will only hold me back from what I want to be in this life.

...which includes balance and regaining peace.

end of the week

I made it! I'm proud of myself for not high-tailing it out of there before I let the week end.

I had a work study training this afternoon and would have rather come straight home. But...I don't have to go to another one and so, it is behind me. Now, to remember everything she went over when I work my first concert. I'm sure I'll do OK - maybe even better than OK - because I'm used to jumping in and just doing! Thankfully, I have the ability to catch on quickly and do the job that's needed to be done. I'll made mistakes, but they'll never be the same ones twice. :)

I'm tired but my sister wants me to join her tonight in celebrating one of her ee's departure dinner (who apparently invited me as well). Frankly, I'm pooped out. On the other hand, if I go, I don't have to figure out what to make for supper. What a conundrum, what? :D

Almost there..

I am almost done with my first week fo school and I'm reeling at the moment. I am trying to breathe, but it's difficult. I realize it's an adjustment, but part of me is wondering what one earth I was thinking when I signed on for this.

It's been easier with Kate there in most of my classes. She's a great encourager and I'm grateful for her and to her for all she's helped me with this week. I mean, she's fresh out of high school whereas I've had a 22 year leave of absence...so-to-speak.

I'm tired, though and ready for a break. I don't think I'll do more than 12-13 credit hours. It's just a lot -- at least right now. I still have to fulfill work study and teach on top of that!

I know, I know -- things will calm down soon and I'll be wondering what the big deal is/was. But, right now, I'm pooped and not sure if I've done the right thing.

1st Day

So, this is my first day of school and I actually don't 'feel' much of anything. I suppose it's because I didn't get much sleep (wonder why ;). All I know is that this IS the beginning of something exciting in my life and I'm looking forward to it -- even the painful moments of growth, which happen if you're looking for more in life.

Even so, I know it's going to make me a better person. Why? Because I got off my large arse and went for it!!! Woohooo!!!

off to school I go.....

orientation part 2

Went to a 'music' orientation today at 9am. Thought I was late, so made it up the hill in about 10 mins. and sat in the sun for the duration of 'meeting.' Thought I was gonna die, it was so hot. I probably shouldn't have listened to Kate, who said it was chilly. Phew!

Anyway -- it was good on one hand to got this morning, but annoying on the other because about half the information I need is still not posted/known. I'm sorry, but I like to have things at least one week ahead of time. I know life isn't usually like that and that's probably why I like it that way. Oh well. At least I'm signed up for my chorale audition (which no one else has signed up for as yet -- crazy!) and I found out that one teacher only posts online.

Looks like I'll have to get used to the profs using the internet/school web pages for everything. Funny how we've gone paperless is just about everything. I don't know. I still like to have a hard copy in my hand. Not sure why unless it's a security blanket-type thing.

I'm excited that Kate has 3 classes with me!!! I was SO excited to find that out this morning. Made the entire morning worth while.

ugh

I hope I have everything in order.

Today started out OK, but is starting to go bad. I'm not sure why I allow myself to get so riled up about stupid little things, but I do and it's bad sometimes. I wish I weren't liked that, but I am. So there. :P

I feel bad about getting upset. After all, there are a lot of things that are out of my control. Some things that are in my control can be so hard to achieve, though and this is one of those things/times. If only.... Well, those two words are just a waste of time and space, so there's no used going there. We can always do better, but when we didn't, we should just move on to the next thing, hoping that we do better in the second round.

OK, I feel a little better now.

tomorrow I have a 9am music orientation and then I'll finally find out who my voice instructor is and when so I can finish scheduling my fall students.

and so it goes.

cheap laptop

I was scoping out the Medison Celebrity laptop that was shipping out from Sweden this week (after a two-week delay). It was only $150 so who wouldn't have submitted an order? I mean, the company has a legitimate-looking website and all the info about the computer seems logical and real so, I went ahead along with thousands of others and ordered my laptop with all the excitement a $150 laptop brings.

During the past 4-6 weeks, I started seeing blogs that said things like, " is Medison laptop real or a scam?" and "$150 laptop may not be what it seems," etc. That made me uneasy. If the 'experts' are questioning it, then maybe ... just maybe it's not a good thing and it really IS "too good to be true."

I'm a pessimist and sceptical by nature but I kept up hope ... until today. Today, I wrote and cancelled my order, which the shipping company gladly did. I'm not sure if 2Checkout.com is reputable -- it seems they are. I think they've probably been hoodwinked as we have been. I'm just glad that nothing got charged to my credit card and that no money was lost. At least 2Checkout.com was faithful in that and I appreciate it.

Of course this leaves me, a low-income college student, without a laptop. Oh well -- it was exciting...at least for a moment. :-/

music things

Just when I think I've got it all taken care of, there's one more thing I forgot to do!

I've yet to sign up for the chorale audition where I have to sing My Country Tis of Thee and sight read a couple things.  I know it's for placement, but golly gee whiz people! Enough with auditioning! Some people love it, but I hate it with a passion. Yes, it's that strong! Don't know why -- just think it's superfluous. I mean, you auditioned once already to get IN to the School of Music, shouldn't they have taken enough notes on what part they think one should sing/be placed in? Why do it over again? Just my feelings....

On top of that, they still haven't posted who is going to be teaching individual voice lessons. I checked on Wednesday and it wasn't there. Classes start next Tues. and I'm beginning to wonder what happens in that office. Granted the main admin. is on a family leave which leaves me to believe that a lot falls through the cracks when she is gone. It's nice that she is good, but it's horrible for students because the faculty depends so much on her that they can't get their act together.

Enough of my "I like to do things ahead of time and not end up looking stupid because someone in admissions dropped the ball" rant.

onward and upward we of English decent say.....

stuff

I'm trying to get my act together! I think I may have goofed up on the tax information/forms yesterday when I was meeting with the head of the theatre/music work study dept. UGH! I wasn't sure and did what I thought was best at the time. This is new to me, owning a house and I have a sinking feeling I messed it all up. I suppose (trying to look on the bright side) that if I DID do something wrong, I can go back and adjust it by filling out a corrected form, etc. The IRS seems to like forms, so I guess it isn't a huge issue.

But....I have to dash around town again today to find books!!! I thought I was able to get most of them via amazon.com, but they don't have them in stock and I can't wait until October to get them. UGH! UGH! UGH!

Today, my sister will stop in, we'll go get her registered for her classes and get her books THEN go hunt mine down! I can only hope, with the rest of my fellow music majors, that the Theory books have FINALLY arrived and waiting to be purchased!

Now to get down to return the wrong set I was sold yesterday....sigh...

books

I've been around town (literally) trying to get my books for school. I'm starting to worry about my Theory class because the books are STILL not on the shelves and that class starts a week from today!!

I'm sure the other students in the same class are feeling the same way, but it is small consolation. I tend to like things in time to review, even if it's one day before class starts. Oh well, at least we'll all have a good excuse for not doing some pre-work, if some is required. Too bad the math book was ready and waiting AND in abundance...sigh!

I'll have to take back one set because, even though the girl assured me it was the correct one, I have serious doubts since neither one of the on-campus bookstores has them in. So, how could THEY, right? hmmmmm....there's more to this than I thought there would be, that's for sure.

On a brighter note -- I sat down with my work study 'boss' and she wants me to be in a manager position. She says that my work/life experience is what she needs in that position which means that I'll jump a few steps that freshmen usually have to go through. Hope there's no animosity there -- after all, I'm an 'old fart' and they have nothing to worry about. I'm organized and know how to 'work a room' so I don't feel sorry for jumping up a bit at first.

Now, to remember that God is in control and the parts I'm unsure of (like those blasted IRS forms that always scare me!!!) will someone fall into place.

Going back to school...after 20+ yrs.

I'm terrified at the prospect of going back to school after so many years. I'm not even sure why I'm pursuing it. I want my music degree because I believe that is where my talent/gift/passion lies. I believe I've made a difference in the lives of many people, but mostly my own, with my voice...singing.

I feel that I'm supposed to do this because of that talent/gift/passion. I don't know if I'll do well at all. The academics scare me. I have to take a math course that involves a lot of algebra. I barely passed that in high school, what makes me think I'll be able to do it now? Oh! It's scary.

I believe that this is what I'm supposed to do, though. Everything has fallen into place. God has provided EVERYthing and there is no reason not to go ahead with it. No reason at all.

The acceptance is there.
The money is there.
The work study opportunity is there (and better than I thought it would be, frankly).

So, what's the problem?

I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't do a good job. That somehow, my talent/gift/passion is, or won't be enough. Maybe it isn't...but, then....maybe it is! There's only one way to find out.

...I'm going to start school at the University of Southern Maine School of Music September 4th, 2007.

Changes

This blog will probably become a vehicle of daily journaling. I haven't written much in the way of short stories or poems of late and now that school is starting, I figured I'd write about my journey of going back to school to get my degree in music after 22 years of not being in a class environment.

I'm looking forward to it, but am a little scared at the same time. I'm hoping that I do well and that I end up being a better student because of it.

until later....

oh boy!

I can't believe it's been so long since I made an entry here. But, I've been in the process of looking, buying and then cleaning up a house -- a 4-unit house where I'm not only "owner," but "landlord." Both are exciting and scary at the same time. I'm hoping to get things cleared up more here so that I can focus more on getting out more writing....

Going back to school in the fall and am really looking forward to it.