ahhh

....the ins and outs of daily living -- trying to keep a balance to a full schedule, trying to get to know a boy all the while working HARD not to over analyze.

My life-long question to self: Will I ever get to the point where I do not jump to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me?

That statement produces one of the biggest sighs I have ever...er...sighed. ;) I keep praying that God would take that away from me -- the negative self outlook. Even my counselor [sp?] (when I saw one) told me that I had a 'warped sense of self.' I understand logically that it's not true. I mean, why else would I have others around me who love me and say how much I "inspire" them (definitely quoting there)? If I was so unlovable--why do they stick around?

It's those questions that tell my brain I'm full of bunk, but somewhere else deep inside me only sees that something must be lacking. What? Don't know -- some key element that draws someone close enough to stick it out with me -- meaning of the male species.

Of course, that leads me to ask: Why is that so important? Having a man in your life?

It isn't, but it is.

And there I go again... :) Maybe some day, by God's grace, I'll be freed of that chain. It only holds me back and maybe even the man that wants to come closer????

I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my b-day is tomorrow and I'll officially be IN my 40's. Forty-one isn't old, but it sure seems like it sometimes. :-/