tests

I'm not sure why, but there seem to be a lot of tests/quizzes of late. I mean, how many do you really need? I have one every Tuesday a.m. in one and two per week in Math. Now, Theory class is joining the band wagon. Sure -- the more they give the better chance I have at a higher grade (that is IF I do well on each one), but man alive -- that's a lot.

Anyway -- totally failed the one this morning in theory class. Here's hoping the one I just submitted tonight is better than the hand written on this morning. UGH!

I get to a point where I'm brain fried. I can't absorb any more information which makes me feel like I don't do as well as I could be doing. I'm not even sure what I'm saying. All I know is that I'm still feeling overwhelmed. It's an uphill climb and I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it.

If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to keep your fingers crossed. :::sigh:::

a little light

So, I think I see a little light at the end of the tunnel. After a long three weeks of school, I can see a pattern of information, at least in regards to the music part of it all. The math will always be that -- math. There's no way to make it pleasant...ever! So, with that in mind, the music studies ARE coming along and I'm glad they are turning out the way they are. It's still not easy and I still feel SO out of my depth, but it doesn't look as pitiful as I once thought...thankfully.

Now, to get to a place of balance and understand that I will have to remain focused and in that balance because once out again, it will feel this way and that's not something I want to do.

a little better

Things aren't as overwhelmingly overwheming at the moment, thank the Lord. Yesterday, I did a lot better on my Music History quiz and, as the day progressed, I felt like more things were starting to tie together. I am noticing that there are many things that are "cross-referenced" between classes and that's comforting.

I'm learning one thing, then having it comfirmed in the next class, in a different but similar way...if that makes sense. I'm grateful for that. At least that is telling me that I'm not going totally bonkers...that I'm actually grasping things. That's comforting.

Now, to get this horrible tooth ache addressed as soon as possible. All of a sudden, my tooth decides that it will become infected and cause me unbearable pain. I have not dentist because I haven't been able to afford to go to a dentist. But, they gave me a name last night at the ER and hopefully, I can get it fixed, even if they have to (aack!) pull it out. I'm sure it's totally rotted.

Ain't life grand? ;P

going insane

I'm going insane one minute at a time. I try to center down and relax, but it feels impossible at this point. I know I shouldn't be letting this affect me like it is, but I do not know how...NOT to. It's extremely frustrating and I wonder what is going to happen. I will keep trying, but if it doesn't ease up some...well, I just don't know.

...

I feel a complete, utter failure. I cannot seem to get anything in my classes, especially math. I'm working hard at it and cannot seem to grasp it. I'm at my wits end. I seriously have to re-think this insansity.

tough week-ending

OK, I realize it's only two weeks into the semester, but I am wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Again, it feels like it's way beyond me -- or anything that I'll "get" and get used to. Maybe it's still me being hard on myself, which is probably the case.

I'm tired and just want to have my head on my pillow. I don't want to do homework this weekend and I don't want to have to go up to school to work in the computer lab so that I can complete my rap-song-assignment. Yes, I'm overwhelmed.

There's another quiz coming up this Tuesday in Music History that I have NO idea whether I'll get more than one correct AND then there's a math test immediately after Music History! UGH! Talk about spacing them out...not! ;)

Guess I need to remember that song "Dive" by S.Curtis Chapman where it says, "I'm divin' in, I'm doing deep..." And, though he is talking about his relationship with God, I'm feeling it applies to life...school being that for me at this time.

Will I really quit? Probably not, but man alive -- I'm feeling the weight of it fo sho!

Friday...

the end of the second week of school and I'm still breathing!

I got the chance to sit down (albiet quickly) with one of the profs yesterday between classes and got a little better grasp on the timing stuff. I still think I should know more of it but, apparently, I am the only one who thinks that. Oh well. I will press on and keep trying. That's all anybody can do, right? :/

It's a half day today, so that is good. I'll be seeing my sister, which is even better. I have gone grocery shopping for about two weeks and the cupboards are screaming to be filled. I also think I need some sort of aspirin sleep-aid. Not sleeping well at all but then, it might be from the stress, eh? ha!

Off to the showers and then to class...

later, fans!

keeping my fingers crossed that my laptop comes today -- I could REALLY use it for my comoposition due Monday.

oh my land!

Can I say how much I hate math?! I got so frustrated today, I almost threw the book out the window. Much that would help, right? Oh, it's just so frustrating! I'm at my wits end.

I get caught up in the frustration and know I shouldn't. It takes up so much of my time. It's like I have to do math every single day to stay on top of it. Yes, it takes me that long! Unbelievable!

Anyway -- at least it's better than totally failing my first Music History quiz. It was nothing like I'd ever taken before and it threw me for a loop. I keep telling myself to focus on the fact that I NOW know how he gives quizzes and that the next one won't be so bad...hopefully. :)

Oh, this going to school is totally frightening! I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. Though, those around me feel like the 'know' it is. I guess I would like a more tangible proof that I am, you know? Something more concrete for me to see, not just others.

Right now, I should be starting on my rap song that's due Monday. I've got the words, but I'm sure I'm on the wrong track. I've got to do it, so no matter how it comes out, it'll have to come out. Hmm...that doesn't sound right.

Oh, I'm so flustered. I need to center myself but it's incredibly hard at the moment.

I'm trying to connect with my voice teacher at school because he cancelled this afternoon's lessons. I've paid for 12 in advance and missing one when it's scheduled is hard to make up since the rest of my week is pretty much nailed down...ugh! I realize it's not his fault, but it does make things harder.

::sigh:: off to write a rap song...

headache

Today feels like it will be a long one. I've got another migraine and I'm not looking forward to going anywhere today.

Theory class intimidates me to no end. I'm not sure if I can do this. I keep reminding myself that I'm not responsible to know what I was never taught, but it doesn't help when I'm sitting in class and all these young whippersnappers know all the lingo.

I've been dealing with strong emotions toward my own music teacher way back when I was in school. Why didn't she teach us these things? How do I know how to play instruments and NOT know these things which should be elementary? Circle of 5ths? What the heck is that? I never heard of it until last year when I was volunteering at the high school! It's embarrassing to say the least! Why should it be? Because, after all the years my life has been consumed by music, I know absolutely nothing and it's painful.

I will just have to talk with my professor outside of class to see if there's anything else that will help me learn what I need to to be up to speed with the rest of the class. AARGH!

tired

I'm sitting here this Sunday morning trying to get some rest -- trying to breathe and take one moment at a time. It is not as easy as it sounds. There is still a lot I need to do before tomorrow, but I am forcing myself to ONLY do what is needed for class.

This is where I'm going to have to find a balance and find it quick. In the future, I do not want ANYthing to disturb a day of rest. We all need one day where we put aside the daily and learn from the Divine. It is not our habit to do so, but it is necessary to have our souls fed as well as our brain and body.

I will have to work concerts on some Sundays, but it is not a habit, it is something that is temporary and won't be happening every day, thankfully. :)

The family (or most of it) is coming for a potluck lunch this afternoon and it will be nice to see them. I haven't had a chance to really talk with my parents for a week. That might not seem a long time to most, but it is for us. We at least try to get together once a week to catch up and when one of us misses it, it is not the same.

Right now, I'm listening to Charles Stanley and it's about forgiving others so that we won't give into bitterness and resentment. It is not an easy thing to do, but it is liberating and I pray that I have done so with those who've hurt me -- accused me unjustly -- recently. It is not worth my time and energy to hold on to something that will only hold me back from what I want to be in this life.

...which includes balance and regaining peace.

end of the week

I made it! I'm proud of myself for not high-tailing it out of there before I let the week end.

I had a work study training this afternoon and would have rather come straight home. But...I don't have to go to another one and so, it is behind me. Now, to remember everything she went over when I work my first concert. I'm sure I'll do OK - maybe even better than OK - because I'm used to jumping in and just doing! Thankfully, I have the ability to catch on quickly and do the job that's needed to be done. I'll made mistakes, but they'll never be the same ones twice. :)

I'm tired but my sister wants me to join her tonight in celebrating one of her ee's departure dinner (who apparently invited me as well). Frankly, I'm pooped out. On the other hand, if I go, I don't have to figure out what to make for supper. What a conundrum, what? :D

Almost there..

I am almost done with my first week fo school and I'm reeling at the moment. I am trying to breathe, but it's difficult. I realize it's an adjustment, but part of me is wondering what one earth I was thinking when I signed on for this.

It's been easier with Kate there in most of my classes. She's a great encourager and I'm grateful for her and to her for all she's helped me with this week. I mean, she's fresh out of high school whereas I've had a 22 year leave of absence...so-to-speak.

I'm tired, though and ready for a break. I don't think I'll do more than 12-13 credit hours. It's just a lot -- at least right now. I still have to fulfill work study and teach on top of that!

I know, I know -- things will calm down soon and I'll be wondering what the big deal is/was. But, right now, I'm pooped and not sure if I've done the right thing.

1st Day

So, this is my first day of school and I actually don't 'feel' much of anything. I suppose it's because I didn't get much sleep (wonder why ;). All I know is that this IS the beginning of something exciting in my life and I'm looking forward to it -- even the painful moments of growth, which happen if you're looking for more in life.

Even so, I know it's going to make me a better person. Why? Because I got off my large arse and went for it!!! Woohooo!!!

off to school I go.....

orientation part 2

Went to a 'music' orientation today at 9am. Thought I was late, so made it up the hill in about 10 mins. and sat in the sun for the duration of 'meeting.' Thought I was gonna die, it was so hot. I probably shouldn't have listened to Kate, who said it was chilly. Phew!

Anyway -- it was good on one hand to got this morning, but annoying on the other because about half the information I need is still not posted/known. I'm sorry, but I like to have things at least one week ahead of time. I know life isn't usually like that and that's probably why I like it that way. Oh well. At least I'm signed up for my chorale audition (which no one else has signed up for as yet -- crazy!) and I found out that one teacher only posts online.

Looks like I'll have to get used to the profs using the internet/school web pages for everything. Funny how we've gone paperless is just about everything. I don't know. I still like to have a hard copy in my hand. Not sure why unless it's a security blanket-type thing.

I'm excited that Kate has 3 classes with me!!! I was SO excited to find that out this morning. Made the entire morning worth while.

ugh

I hope I have everything in order.

Today started out OK, but is starting to go bad. I'm not sure why I allow myself to get so riled up about stupid little things, but I do and it's bad sometimes. I wish I weren't liked that, but I am. So there. :P

I feel bad about getting upset. After all, there are a lot of things that are out of my control. Some things that are in my control can be so hard to achieve, though and this is one of those things/times. If only.... Well, those two words are just a waste of time and space, so there's no used going there. We can always do better, but when we didn't, we should just move on to the next thing, hoping that we do better in the second round.

OK, I feel a little better now.

tomorrow I have a 9am music orientation and then I'll finally find out who my voice instructor is and when so I can finish scheduling my fall students.

and so it goes.