discouraged

I'm asking myself whether or not I did the right thing going back to school. I am completely discouraged and don't see how this is a 'good' thing in my life. If I'm going to consistently do such a horrible job, then what is the purpose? I don't understand.

The thing that clinched it for me today was me taking the music theory fundamentals exam...again. I did worst this time compared to the last and I was starting to get hopeful when BAM! here I am completely sucking at it...again! I feel defeated. Am I EVER going to get this? Why even bother?! I feel hopeless. What is this serving? To make me feel like a complete idiot? It succeeded.

after the weekend

I'm not sure why, but I was NOT in the mood to go back to school. Granted, there are only four weeks left of the semester, but it's been a long haul. During the holiday (Thanksgiving was great -- had the fam. here and cooked up a storm!), I did some thinking and I may have come to a decision. I'm seriously thinking about changing my major to German Studies.

I LOVE music -- it's my life, but I am not liking all the technical stuff that I'm learning. It's almost making it (for me) a chore and I hate thinking that. I'm sure it gets better as time goes on, but I also realized that I've done a LOT musically and want to try new things. I can "get" languages and have always longed to travel (maybe that's God telling me something????).

I've been praying hard this weekend and asked for something that would bring me the help I needed. This a.m .Kate Thomas brought up the subject, actually. She's been thinking of changing HER major from music too!! The more we talked, the more things seemed to become clear.

I don't know for sure, but I have a German test tomorrow to see if it's something I can do. After all, I've been taught so much of it already. Maybe this is it!!! Who knows -- I'll know better tomorrow, though --- yay!!

concerts galore

Talk about a myriad of concerts. I've worked more concerts and plays this month that I care to. On top of school work and teaching. Makes me long for my 20 yr old body and stamina. Alas, I do not have that and will give a wise word to all under 25 -- TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY!!! it catches up with you in spades....well, in every suit! :)

I'm hosting Thanksgiving at my house and I'm excited. Of course, I'm doing the majority of the cooking/baking, but that's OK. I guess I'm just excited to say that it's at MY house this year. Nice feeling. God is so good to me.

I've been trying to refinance to get some money to fix a wall in my tenant's apt. but they say the market is tough. My realtor told me that they would have never been able to do what they did for me last year today! Talk about God working a miracle!!! This house is His and I'm grateful He's given it to me. Every time I start fretting about the bills, etc. (oil is gonna kill me!!!) I keep telling Him; "It's YOUR house, God, it's Your house!" and I'm fine.

Right now, I want to get through these next two classes and get rid of this headache. Tonight is the last concert for me and I'm pooped. At least I'm registered for most all my classes next semester. Hopefully, I can get into a German class!! That would be wunnaful.

hmmm...I think this reads like I feel -- disjointed. I think I hear my bed calling me....wah!!!

quizzes and tests oh my!

I'm tired. I didn't know college was made up of tests and quiz upon quiz. There isn't week that goes by without at least one quiz and I have to day, I've had enough. Of course, the profs aren't really concerned about how I feel. Oh well...at least I can air things out here on my blog. I feel a lot better just letting things out, even if it's in a black nothingness.


Next week is Thanksgiving and it'll give me time to sit back and relax, even if I have to cook. It's a different kind of busy and will be a most welcome one. The fam is coming here for the day and it'll be the first Thanksgiving I'll host in my new home! Oh, I love that idea! It makes me happy.


First, I have to get through a long week of working concerts and ... you guessed it ...one more quiz! :)

still trying

to get the idea through my thick head that I've been out of school for 22 years and it's gonna take TIME to get back into the swing of things --sooooo--STOP BEING HARD ON YOURSELF!!! GOSH!

I mean, REALLY! Logically, I can make that leap w/out so much as a twitch of the eye -- but, mentally or emotionally, I miss it by a mile.

My test grade on my second music history class was horribly. I barely passed, which is NOT encouraging. Am I studying too much material? Am I not studying enough? I tried sitting down with the teacher a couple times and I just don't get it. Which leads me to believe that it must be that I still just need to relax and learn how to study better (ie: taking notes more efficiently -- I think I fall into the "taking too much information" category).

So what if I have to take one or two classes again. I should look at it this way: If I do, then I'll certainly pass them the second time AND have learned to study more efficiently...finally.

suggestions?

of course, it would help if I could get rid of the need to be perfect. grrrrrrrr

stuff

Had a good birthday and had a lot of good wishes from friends -- very nice. Of course, what's a day without SOME happenings -- still, it was good and memorable.

Went today to get my SAM'S club membership so now I can get discounted gas there AND BJ's. I'll have to, seeing that the price of gas is, once again, climbing. It's horrible the way it fluctuates like that. Just when I got ahopeful that it would start going down or at least staying put for a while, it bounces back up. Crazy.

I got a bit discouraged today after taking my music theory fundamentals test again. We're supposed to take it until we at at least a 90% so, at least I can keep trying until that happens. Still...I was hoping for a LOT better, not just a little better. Oh well...

Oh, and it looks like I'll have to take sight singing/ear training over again. Not so bad, though. The teacher isn't be best and that, in my opinion, makes a big difference. It affects all those in the class. Only a handful, which isn't much, get it and the rest of us struggle. The teacher rushes too much. I stopped him, in class, and told him my concerns and I THINK he might have listened. I'll find out tomorrow. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only me, but it's most of the class. Should I be comforted by that? :)

On to tackling music history....quiz tomorrow a.m.

ahhh

....the ins and outs of daily living -- trying to keep a balance to a full schedule, trying to get to know a boy all the while working HARD not to over analyze.

My life-long question to self: Will I ever get to the point where I do not jump to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me?

That statement produces one of the biggest sighs I have ever...er...sighed. ;) I keep praying that God would take that away from me -- the negative self outlook. Even my counselor [sp?] (when I saw one) told me that I had a 'warped sense of self.' I understand logically that it's not true. I mean, why else would I have others around me who love me and say how much I "inspire" them (definitely quoting there)? If I was so unlovable--why do they stick around?

It's those questions that tell my brain I'm full of bunk, but somewhere else deep inside me only sees that something must be lacking. What? Don't know -- some key element that draws someone close enough to stick it out with me -- meaning of the male species.

Of course, that leads me to ask: Why is that so important? Having a man in your life?

It isn't, but it is.

And there I go again... :) Maybe some day, by God's grace, I'll be freed of that chain. It only holds me back and maybe even the man that wants to come closer????

I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my b-day is tomorrow and I'll officially be IN my 40's. Forty-one isn't old, but it sure seems like it sometimes. :-/