here I sit...

at my work study job (college) and bored out of my skull. Yes, I brought homework and am starting to see my own eyes cross. I'm supposed to be here just in case (1) people call about the canceled concert tonight and (2) send people home if they come. :::sigh:::

Right now, there's a piano teacher here practicing in the hall. I'm glad she's moved on from the first piece she started playing (even though it was a nice one) because it started getting old after she played the same section over and over and over and over again! I know -- that's what practicing IS. But, still. :-/

Now would be a good time to chat w/Luke and he's not online tonight. Figures :)

Well, on to more music theory drills -- after I uncross my eyes, of course.

aargh

so, here I am starting to enjoy a fairly early evening from doing homework and someone calls while I'm on the phone with mother. I don't answer, because I haven't had a chance to really talk with her for ages. Sue me, right? Apparently, I was supposed to hang up with mother and talk with this person because, come to find out, their sitting outside in their car.

Yes, I wondered the same thing. Why do you just sit in your car calling when (1) you see that my car is in the driveway and (2) having seen said car, you don't get out to come knock on the door.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am glad they took the time to come over to see me, but am aggravated at the same time because there's an assumption there...imo. Why not come in? Why not try? Why not take the effort, since you're already here, to come to the door that's only a few feet from the end of the walkway where you park?

Nope--just don't understand. They say they're not mad, but I believe they are and they don't see it. Why bring it up and talk about it and sound like you're irritated if you're not "mad?" I don't know.

I tried to center myself and they gave up saying, "we'll try again tomorrow, goodnight." AARGH! Now, I'M irritated.

I'll not waste my energy and move on, especially now that I've vented. :)

later fans....

Long Weekend

I can't remember a hard weekend if I tried to think of it now. But, then, right now I'm foggy from a 5-day migraine that only "let up" on Friday afternoon, early evening so I could work. It was a rainy (which probably didn't help) weekend that turned into a tremendously beautiful weekend. Crazy that!

Anyway -- I had to go to the hospital and get an IV. It was horrible. The guy admitting me thought I was the regular druggy trying to come in to get a fix....until, that it, I immediately informed him that 1) I could tell he didn't care and 2) he'd never had a bad headache in his entire life. Not good. I did notice a chance in attitude by the time he put my hospital bracelet on, though...good thing or my French mother would have had a go at him.

I missed work study and had to scramble around trying to get numbers for the supervisor. Not my job, actually. I mean, they should already have a back-up plan for when things like this happen. It all worked out and that's a total relief, but I can't help feel that I let them down. I know. I couldn't control the migraine, but man! I still feel bad about that.

No, off to study for the test tomorrow that I hadn't the wits or brain function to finish let alone start on this weekend....aaack!

again

Had a melt down this afternoon after I found out what I got on my music theory fundamentals test. Good thing is, I get to take it over again until I get the required 90% to pass, bad thing is, I obviously didn't get 90%. I talked with the teacher later and he told me that I was actually in a "normal" place with was actually good and if I hadn't waited to go back to answer a few, I would have gotten more correct. So, I suppose I didn't actually do all that badly, but still.....it didn't prevent me from beating myself up for a while.

Guess my job is to keep plugging away at the theory drills online and hope that I finally GET it!

I really was close to throwing in the towel, but that would be quitting (no duh! ;)) and I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. I would always live with the regret of quitting and not sticking it out. Also, with the fact that I at least TRIED.

I'm trying...

..

Last night was horrible. I thought I was going to lose it. I'm not sure why -- maybe I'm just making it harder on myself...again. I keep hearing those voices -- those negative voices (not REAL voices, of course) -- telling me that I'm an idiot. I'm stupid. I can't seem to shake them off for good.

People tell me it's not true -- well, my family and close friends. But, I'm not sure. Each time I try hard at studying, I'm still so far behind the rest it isn't even funny. Why did I think it was going to be easier at 40 yrs. old vs. 18 yrs. old? Why did I think I wouldn't struggle as hard as I did back then? Am I really stupid and just don't know it? Should I quit while I'm ahead? I just don't know!

But -- I admit -- today DID seem a little better. Not much, but a little better. I thought, for one moment, that I understood some of what was being said this morning in class. Who knows?! I just wish I didn't feel this way.

Also, I feel alienated. No one seems to want to tell me anything. It's probably just because the way I've been feeling and will try not to pay attention to it. Oh, I don't know!

aargh! What's wrong with me?!

UGH

I'm beyond frustrated with myself...again! It seems a familiar thing now. I've been working on intervals (space between notes on a music scale) and I cannot seem to be able to identify them quickly. I'm up to 83%, but that's after I take a long time to determine the key it's in first!

Take today, for instance. I sat down, after finishing my blasted math homework, somewhere between 2pm and 3pm and am STILL sitting here at 7:30pm working diligently on them...trying not to give up.

I hope that some day, I'll look back on all this time spent on these stupid things and laugh, wondering why it took me so bloody long to figure them out in the first place. Talk about feeling a complete idiot.

I broke down and wrote my prof tonight and he wants to meet with me tomorrow. At this point, I'm not sure how he can help me. I feel horrible bugging him with this, but he wanted to know and I took him at his word. Right now, I don't even care if he thinks I'm stupid....that's how frustrated I am.

Question to self: AM I EVER GOING TO GET THIS STUFF??!!!

determined

I've been allowing myself to be buried under a standard that I've put on myself. I'm not sure what I expected, but I didn't expect school to be this difficult. I mean, the material isn't brain surgery, but it's allowing it to sink into my head and stay there. That, I notice, is the hard part.

I felt, at one point, that I was getting it, but then a quiz comes along and they write it differently than all the others which leaves me feeling like an idiot again. I'm not really sure how I'm going to beat this except I'm determined to try.

I talked with my mom last night and she seems to think my feelings of stupidity stem back from when I was a child and when I did homework, she'd intimated that I was stupid -- why didn't/couldn't I get it, etc. I don't honestly remember that. My sister says she was sitting at the table when it was said, but I don't recall the event in my own memory.

Thinking about what she said, I see it must be true. For some reason, I have this block and I can't seem to shake it. I keep telling myself that I'm an "idiot" and "stupid" and that I "can't do it." It's a horrible thing and if someone else was saying those things, I'd jump right in to correct them.

So, why can't I do it to myself?
How am I going to overcome that vicious cycle?
Will I overcome it?

I certainly hope so.