determined

I've been allowing myself to be buried under a standard that I've put on myself. I'm not sure what I expected, but I didn't expect school to be this difficult. I mean, the material isn't brain surgery, but it's allowing it to sink into my head and stay there. That, I notice, is the hard part.

I felt, at one point, that I was getting it, but then a quiz comes along and they write it differently than all the others which leaves me feeling like an idiot again. I'm not really sure how I'm going to beat this except I'm determined to try.

I talked with my mom last night and she seems to think my feelings of stupidity stem back from when I was a child and when I did homework, she'd intimated that I was stupid -- why didn't/couldn't I get it, etc. I don't honestly remember that. My sister says she was sitting at the table when it was said, but I don't recall the event in my own memory.

Thinking about what she said, I see it must be true. For some reason, I have this block and I can't seem to shake it. I keep telling myself that I'm an "idiot" and "stupid" and that I "can't do it." It's a horrible thing and if someone else was saying those things, I'd jump right in to correct them.

So, why can't I do it to myself?
How am I going to overcome that vicious cycle?
Will I overcome it?

I certainly hope so.