..

Last night was horrible. I thought I was going to lose it. I'm not sure why -- maybe I'm just making it harder on myself...again. I keep hearing those voices -- those negative voices (not REAL voices, of course) -- telling me that I'm an idiot. I'm stupid. I can't seem to shake them off for good.

People tell me it's not true -- well, my family and close friends. But, I'm not sure. Each time I try hard at studying, I'm still so far behind the rest it isn't even funny. Why did I think it was going to be easier at 40 yrs. old vs. 18 yrs. old? Why did I think I wouldn't struggle as hard as I did back then? Am I really stupid and just don't know it? Should I quit while I'm ahead? I just don't know!

But -- I admit -- today DID seem a little better. Not much, but a little better. I thought, for one moment, that I understood some of what was being said this morning in class. Who knows?! I just wish I didn't feel this way.

Also, I feel alienated. No one seems to want to tell me anything. It's probably just because the way I've been feeling and will try not to pay attention to it. Oh, I don't know!

aargh! What's wrong with me?!